43: Santa Part 2
Luci
I check on the boys before answering her and keep my voice low. “You know this time of year was never my favorite. For a while, I didn’t even like Christmas until your mom and Janet helped me get over that. Showed me the magic of the season. Santa though….he’s just not my favorite. For kids like Cole and Barrett who are loved and have happy families, Santa is a wondrous story. But for kids like me growing up, Santa is a cruel reminder that we aren’t real kids.” Sydney merely takes my hand. She never interrupts, only listens when I talk about
past.
my
“When I was six, I went to a new family the day after Thanksgiving. The Traylors, Rachel and Barry, with their seven–year–old daughter, Lana and nine–year–old son, Sam. The family I was with the Christmas before didn’t celebrate, so I had no real Christmas memories or understanding of it beyond seeing all the lights and decorations. The second weekend I was there, they were all excited and took us to one of those drive–through Christmas light parks. I can remember my outfit. I had this green sweater and a red plaid skirt that had green and gold shiny threads running though it.” I get lost in the memory as I recount it to her.
Flashback:
“Did you guys like the light show? It was really great, wasn’t it?” Mrs. Rachel says as she turns toward us in the back seat. “We’ll park and go in that tent right there to see Santa and have
hot chocolate.”
I smile excitedly at her. I’ve never gone to see Santa before. I was only six and had no idea
what was about to happen. I was wearing warm clothes that she’d brought me that morning.
They were soft and new. I had a coat and new shoes too. We walked into the tent and Mr.
Barry said he’d go get in line with Sam and Lana. Mrs. Rachel took my hand and said we
should go wait for hot cocoa. “I need help carrying it, Luci.” I nodded happily as I heard the
booming laugh of the man in the red suit. I caught a glimpse of him. One of the extra kids at
the last house I lived in said that if you went to see Santa and told him what you wanted, he
would bring it on Christmas Eve. I don’t remember ever getting a present from him, but then
again, I’d never sat on his lap, so he couldn’t possibly bring me anything when he didn’t know.
I helped her carry a tray of cups and she had bought donuts too. We found a small table and I
saw her waving. Mr. Barry came with Sam and Lana to take their seats as she handed each of
us a cup. “So did you tell him?”
1/4
+8 Point:
43: Santa Part 2
“Yes Mama. He said we’ve both been very good this year.” Sam answers her clearly. Wait, did
they see him already?
“You both have. I’d say it’s going to be a good Christmas.” Mr. Barry says with a big smile.
They’ll take me after hot chocolate, I thought. But they didn’t. Instead, Mrs. Rachel had me help her throw all the trash away before we walked to the small gift shop.
“Go pick out two toys.” She said before she went to sit down. I followed behind Lana and saw her pick up a big stuffed unicorn and a polar bear. They were as big as me. Mrs. Rachel said two, so I looked them over carefully. I never had a stuffie before that I could remember. I considered them carefully and finally settled on the polar bear and a penguin. They were big and soft and I couldn’t wait to sleep with them. Lana had tons of them piled on her bed and
she slept with them all every night.
We raced back to find them standing in line with Sam for the elves at the counter. Sam had a huge dragon and a dinosaur. They looked soft and the dragon had gold shiny threads. “Oh Lana those are great.” Mrs. Rachel then turned to me with a pained expression saying “Oh Luci dear, sorry, I should have explained. The two are for real kids only. Here let me have those so they can return them. Here, I got this for you.” She pulled those two from my arms and handed me a small cat no bigger than my hand. “There you go Luci. Now don’t lose him because that’s all you get. We can hang him from your backpack for school.” Her smile was the same as it had been. I stood staring at the cat, letting those words burn into my ears along with the rest of what she turned to say to her husband. “Guess I should have told her real kids get a real Christmas. Santa doesn’t exactly visit orphans.”
End of Flashback
I stare at Sydney who cries angry tears. The Traylors faces fade as I watch her. “Let’s go put them in Cole’s bed before I tell you the rest.” I lift him while she gets Barrett. We return to the game room where I can listen on the monitor for them.
“I remember feeling the tears filling my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I wasn’t a real kid. That was why Santa had never come to see me. And that was why I didn’t get to go talk to him that night. I don’t think I slept at all when we got back to their house. I stared at the ceiling all night. A few weeks later, Christmas came and I held out hope that maybe he’d bring me that penguin and polar bear. I had wished every night and even put that in my letter to him our teacher had us write. I followed Lana on Christmas morning into the living room so hopeful. I
had a stocking and it had candy and a set of markers and watercolors. But there was no pile of presents for me. They gave me a sweater, some jeans, a dress, and a new pair of boots. Which I needed, but there was nothing fun besides the markers, a coloring book and a sketch
2/4
+8 Points
43: Santa Part 2
pad. I learned that was what I would need to expect, especially since I was with them the following Christmas. Do you know I faked being sick the next year when she said something about going and seeing Santa? They got the grandmother to stay with me and that woman was meaner than a snake, but it was preferable to going and feeling like nothing. The next family didn’t celebrate Christmas with presents of any sort, so it was easy that year to ignore
it all. Even when I moved in with Janet six months after that, there was no big, overblown
Christmas. Money wasn’t plentiful with her being on one income. I mean she did so many
other things to make Christmas memorable, but she wasn’t into Santa or huge on going to
things like those drive–through parks because Santa was there. She explained why once Betsy
and I were older. It was because she knew foster kids could hate the holiday. She didn’t want
to break our hearts more by encouraging the Santa tradition. We got a new outfit and a coat
for Christmas along with one fun item and little stocking stuffers. By that point, I didn’t even
ask for anything. I had learned by then that it hurt too much to be disappointed. It took almost four years
before I asked for anything specific, and it was my sewing machine, so I could
repair my clothes if I needed to. Birthdays never counted until her and your family, but even
then, I asked for a cake and nothing else. No need to waste the money on throwaway kids was
how one of the other kids explained it once. That stuck with me for so long. I didn’t know I’d be
with Janet for good and I had no idea you’d really be my forever friend. Or that your family
would basically make me their third child at times.” She embraces me, almost sobbing
silently.
“It’s ok, Syd. I’ve dealt with it and I’m good now. I know those were people that shouldn’t have
been fostering and they were just horrid individuals. But I still dislike Saint Nick. Because for
kids like me or kids with parents that don’t take care of them or love them, he is a reminder that you are less than. That you aren’t included in the magical being’s benevolence that brings all children a present if they’ve simply been good. Teachers make you write letters which furthers the disappointment when nothing is there Christmas morning. And to a child, they don’t understand what they did wrong. Some assume they are bad children which can lead to further behavior issues and some, like me, assume that you aren’t worthy. I won’t rain on anyone’s parade and say they shouldn’t do Santa. To each their own. I do wish they would skip the school letters because all kids are required to go to school. Kids in abusive homes, kids with parents who can barely afford food much less presents….the list goes on and on. Let the parents do it if they want. But for Cole and Barrett, Santa is no problem. And he makes them happy. You know I love happy kids.”
“Dammit Luci, no wonder. I had a feeling it was painful. I don’t know how you turned out the way you did and not a total bitter bitch.” She’s sniffling.
+8 Points
43: Santa Part 2
“It was painful. But I’ve grown up now, Syd and I get it. It’s a big magical holiday tradition. Like I said, to each their own. You know some psychologist would probably charge me a lot to say that was when I learned to simply roll with whatever came along. That I believed I wasn’t enough to warrant much thought making me vulnerable. Honestly, it taught me I sometimes just had to pick myself up and keep going. Be happy with what is thrown your way and realize something better might not come along. Because unlike the fairy tales I watched on repeat,
you don’t get to demand what you want from some fairy godmother or mythical figure. It’s not
how life works. You can make your own magic and be happy. Spread that happiness to others.
You can choose whether to give power to someone else to make or break you. Another reason
why it hurt so much when Marshall betrayed me. I let him in, confiding my secrets to him. I am the one who gave him the power to hurt me. Which was what burned so much, that I chose so poorly in who to trust after all the hard lessons I had growing up. It took me a few months of listening to you and Banning and Janet to change that mindset over to him being the one at fault for manipulating me. For lying to me, using me, and not giving me the full truth to make a real choice. But that’s also how I realized I didn’t love him. Because he hurt
me, but he didn’t break me. I remember a quote that love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. Which is so fitting. Marshall simply hurt me.”
Syd stares at me before softly answering me. “But Easton can destroy you. Am I right?”
Ivory Row
Our sweet Luci is a tougher cookie than anyone gives her credit for. And this is her seeing how Easton treats her vs previous dickhead. Happy chapter coming up, maybe even tonight.
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