19: Triggers
Luci
“Daddy, can Luci put me to bed after dinner?” Cole squeezes my hand, smiling up at me so hopefully.
“That’s up to Luci, buddy. We kind of took up her whole day.” Easton scratches the back of his head, sighing
as he looks at the clock.
Baker calls us as we walk inside. “I can do that.” I smile down at him. Easton walks over to talk to Baker and
Cole tugs on my hand. I bend down close to him and he whispers in my ear.
“I need to talk to you by selves.”
I gaze down at him. “By ourselves? Me and you?”
He nods looking very serious. “Ok. At bedtime?”
“Yes please.”
“Let’s go eat and then you can have a bubbly bath.” I help him onto the stool and Baker places a plate in front of him with creamy potato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Luci, I have your plate. Easton are you eating here? Kingston is on his way downstairs.”
Easton nods as he grabs Cole a drink. I sit next to Cole as he regales his fun at the carnival to the ever attentive Baker. It means none of us have to talk. Easton and Kingston talk about their upcoming game at the table behind us. I can feel their eyes staring at me a few times, but I ignore them. I really need to go home and decompress after today. It’s been nothing but triggering moments for me all day.
I can push through for Cole though. He seemed quite serious about talking.
Easton gives him his bath, making it quick because Cole is truly tired. He tucks him into his bed and kisses his forehead. “Love you buddy. See you in the morning.”
“Night Daddy. Love you.”
I have a book in my hand, waiting for Cole. Easton passes me, pausing. “I’m going to the game room with Kingston.” He frowns a little before continuing in that gruff, cool tone he’s an expert at. Like the words hurt to pass his lips. “I appreciate you spending your day off with him.”
“Thank you for everything today.” I emphasize everything because it truly was huge what he did for me.
He nods briefly and leaves.
I sit on Cole’s bed. “No book, Luci.” He reaches under his pillow and pulls out a fancy silver frame. He touches the glass before handing it to me. I hold it under the lamp and see a younger version of Easton. He’s smiling happily, none of the cold aloofness on his face. In his arms, wrapped up tight is a strikingly beautiful girl. She has wavy, thick strawberryish blonde hair, porcelain skin and huge bright blue doe eyes. She’s smiling brightly and their happiness radiates from the photo.
“That’s my mom.” Cole says in a tiny voice. I gaze up at him as he stares down at the picture.
“She’s beautiful. Do you remember her?” I ask cautiously. I’m not sure how to handle this with him,
He looks up at me and I see a little sadness. “No. I don’t member her. Not even little like you and your
***
0
O
x+
1/4
O
<
19 Triggers
mommy‘ Cole’s speech returns to a normal four year old when he’s experiencing strong emotions.
“Does that make you sad?” Now I understand why he wanted to talk to me
“Yes.” One little word that means so much.
“Does your daddy talk about her?” I take his hand in mine and rub my thumb on the back of it soothingly
“No. I found that Uncle Becker told me that’s her. His big eyes gaze up at me now. “I don’t think she loved
me*
I close my eyes on the pain that hits me with that. Blinking back tears, I set the picture down on his nightstand and pull him into my lap facing me. “Cole, I want you to listen to me. I don’t know anything about your mom. We’d have to ask your daddy about her. I shudder internally imagining how that conversation would go. “But if someone doesn’t love you, that’s their bad luck and their problem. Not everyone loves you and that’s how it works. It’s sad and it hurts your heart, right?” He nods, watching me. You are the sweetest little boy I know along with Barrett. Lots of people love you. Can you think of who they are?”
“Daddy and Uncle Becker, Uncle Kingston, Uncle Jackson, Grandpappy, Baker, Mrs. Hutchins…” That’s his teacher I know. “Barrett likes me a lot, I’m his friend. And you?” He leaves his grandmother out.
I smile at him. “Yes, I love you Cole. When did you find this picture?”
“Yesterday. Luci, who loved you after your mommy and daddy were gone?”
I take a deep breath, again at a loss for how honestly to answer him. “Sydney and her family. I had a wonderful teacher named Mrs. Jenkins, who seemed to care about me a lot. She helped me learn tricks for my squirrel brain. Someone named Janet took care of me not long after I turned 8. The number of people who love you isn’t important, Coco. It’s the ways they love you and how big they love you. You can have just one person who loves you and it be enough.” I run my fingers gently through his hair. “You know I think you could ask your daddy about her. He loves you a lot.” He does. I saw it shine out of him all day around Cole. Like in this photo. I feel a pang of sadness that this version of Easton seems to have disappeared. That or it only manifests around those he loves like Cole and this girl.
“I don’t wanna make him get mad or upset.”
“Because you love him a lot.”
“I do. He’s the bestest daddy in the whole world.” I chuckle softly at that heartfelt description.
“I think he is for you. It makes my heart happy you have someone who loves you so much.”
“Are you going to tell Daddy?” He asks me quietly.
“No. This is you and me talking. I would only tell him if something bad was hurting you. And I’d tell you that we need to tell your daddy together.”
He hugs me tight. “Did you like your first carnival, Luci? You have Corndog to snuggle with tonight. Janet didn’t take you?”
“No. Janet worked a lot and didn’t have time. She lived alone and there were always four or five kids in her house. I had the best day with you.”
I rock him gently back and forth. “Luci, what I dream about…”
“Dream about dragons and bunnies who ride unicorns and deliver cupcakes to all children. All of them. None
|||
୮
2/4
19: Triggers
left out.” I say softly.
“Wuv you Wuck. His mouth barely moves as he drops off. I tuck him in bed and move the photo back under
his pillow. Kissing his forehead, I think about leaving the bunny with him, but he was so insistent I needed it. I stare at the rabbit pushing back the memories I don’t want and open my phone.
Syd, I need a movie night. I’m struggling after today.
Her reply is almost instant. I’ll be sitting on your couch by the time you get home. With snacks and
milkshakes.
What would I do without you?
I leave, only seeing Baker as I’m almost to the door. I wave to him and escape quickly. I drive home noting that I didn’t lie to Easton. I do not space out when I’m driving. Part of my trauma from the way I lost my parents. I don’t drink anything ever and I don’t touch my phone while I’m driving. Thunderstorms terrify me and I hide under the covers like a giant baby, I talk out loud, listing off my issues and how I combat them. It always helps and allows me stay focused,
“Storms, I hide. I’m a safe driver. I make lists and follow them. I enjoy what makes me happy at the moment instead of being sad about the past. I am a real girl. I step up if someone needs me. I ask Sydney for help.”
Syd is sitting on my couch with The Goonies cued up and I laugh a little at that.
“A classic tonight. We know it by heart so we can easily talk during.” She grins.
After changing into my pajama pants and a big sweatshirt with my fuzziest socks, I tell her everything starting with Easton provoking me, which earns one of her best threats. “I swear I will cut his balls off, roast them and serve them to a squirrel.” I lose it laughing for five minutes at that. When I get to the part about Julian and Easton she holds up one finger to stop me as she laughs so hard there are tears in her eyes. “I take it back. Easton can keep his balls. Roasted balls for squirrels is for Julian and Deacon now. Easton deserves extra corndogs.”
“You are crazy you know that.” I laugh with her.
She eyes me as she points her milkshake at me. “Everyone needs that one ride or die friend who is willing to commit murder, dismember the body, and bury it creatively. All while figuring out an alibi and looking fabulous doing it. Speaking of which, I met a girl at work. Her name is Stormi and I think she’d fit in with us. Total murder buddy. She recently moved here and has no friends. We should invite her for dinner.”
I eye her a little skeptically. “You want to invite someone else into our madness? She might report us to a psych ward.”
“Nah babe, she’s exactly like us. You’ll like her. Maybe tomorrow night? Second girls night.”
“I’m in for murder and everything else.”
I finish with Cole’s talk and she tears up too. “That poor baby. Easton needs to talk to him about his mom.”
“I thought maybe I could mention it to Becker. He seems the most open–minded of the four. Also, he’s always been the least aloof.”
She squeezes my hand nodding. “I agree. You had a rough day. Lots of triggers for you to unfocus.”
I tug my hand through my hair with a little exasperation. “Which I did fabulously. Being at a carnival, the
O
3/4
19: Triggers
** Fonts
stuffed animal, seeing Julian and then Easton talking about how his father stepped up to give his nephews a home and family. I went into complete wonderland each time. I had no defenses today, it seemed like.”
Syd stares at me for a minute. “I think you were distracted with a few things. Don’t beat yourself up babe, this is a situation you’ve never been in before. I’m proud of you for staying as present as you were. Guess I need to be nicer to Easton Reed too for taking care of your safety.”
I make a wry face. “I can’t figure him out. It’s like he can be nice and reasonable, but then he acts like I’m some kind of hindrance. Like he is forced to tolerate me. Which I guess he is.”
“More like he throws out grappling hooks like Batman hoping he can get back up the cliff he’s falling off Must be hard for him to have the ice slightly melted around him. But I’ll save my opinion for the next time! see him.” She says cryptically. “Batman reference because Barrett is so ready to come play this week with
Cole.”
“You might need to come get him from their house. I’m supposed to be there super late that night. There’s something for the hockey players so they will be late. Granddragon will be out until like midnight with her husband and Baker takes that night off.”
“I’ll come when I get out of class. Proud of you for calling me like always.”
“You’re the bestest Sydney in the whole wide world.” I grin at her.
”
Ivory Row
So I was going to talk about Luci’s triggers in a few chapters but I think it worked better here. She and Cole have some things in common and honestly they are good for each other right now. Sydney and her make a great team. We’ll meet Stormi in a chapter or two because Luci can use another friend.
8
Comments
Watch videos get points (1/10) >
Vote
480
